10 Video Game Vehicles You'd Be Crazy To Actually Use

10 Video Game Vehicles You'd Be Crazy To Actually Use
Square-Enix

When real life gets a little too stale, it's comforting to turn to video games. The suspension of reality is often the most fun thing about gaming, as is stepping into role that allows us to achieve fantastical things not possible in the real world.

Some games can be incredibly realistic, but of course some are hilariously daft, and applying real-world logic to these video games never ends well.

This is especially true when it comes to vehicles. Some kids are too young to get behind the wheel of a real car, but can drive a tractor in Farming Simulator like a seasoned pro. Most of us will never get our pilot’s license, but we can jump into a tiny one-man helicopter on our screens with complete confidence.

There is a phrase ‘don’t try this at home, kids’, and these video game vehicles fit that phrase perfectly. From the wholly impractical, to the dubiously immoral, you'd have to be crazy to actually use these digital drives

10. A Cauldron - Getting Over It With Bennett Foddy

10 Video Game Vehicles You'd Be Crazy To Actually Use
Bennett Foddy

Oddly enough, there are usually a few things that race across your mind as you first load up Getting Over It With Bennett Foddy. A PC game released in 2017, the game quickly took the internet by storm thanks to its infinitely entertaining premise of repeatedly causing players to break down in anguish. It’s even earned itself the tag of ‘psychological horror’ on Steam.

However the difficulty is not what first captures you, but the image of the naked torso of Stalin sitting inside a cauldron (which is, of course, filled with an unidentifiable liquid), maneuvering himself around using a sledgehammer.

While the logistics of choosing to climb a mountain using a sledgehammer are rocky at best, if you’ll pardon the pun, we certainly would not recommend combining this with a cauldron as a transportation method. The arm strength required to lift not only one’s self, but also a cauldron full of liquid, is astronomical. A cauldron big enough to house the lower half of a gentleman would weigh roughly 500lbs, and that is before it is filled with liquid.

9. Tiny Helicopters - Far Cry 4

10 Video Game Vehicles You'd Be Crazy To Actually Use
Ubisoft

These tiny helicopters found throughout the world of Kyrat in Far Cry 4 are an engineering miracle. Seemingly created to serve as a means of maintaining the radio towers scattered across the map, they are referred to as ‘Buzzers’ or ‘Bad-Ass Mini Chopper’ according to recurring series character Hurk.

Offering versatility speed and mobility, they can be used to quickly fly around the map, and are particularly handy in liberating the bell towers.

The design Buzzer is actually based on the real-life Bensen B-8M, a tiny autogyro invented in the 1950s in America, which featured a popular minimalist design that proved to be durable and long-lasting.

That last part didn’t exactly translate into Far Cry 4’s Buzzers very well.

Even if you somehow manage to fly these things without crashing headfirst into anything remotely nearby, they have such a minimal tolerance for height that the engine will outright fail, sending you hurtling down to a fiery death below.

8. Sweet Tooth Ice Cream Truck - Twisted Metal

10 Video Game Vehicles You'd Be Crazy To Actually Use
Sony Computer Entertainment

I’m sure if you or I were to attend a demolition derby as a participant, given the choice to select our vehicle, we would probably go with something very big and solid with very big wheels and very solid defenses.

Interesting, then, that a vehicle with poor speed, handling and little in the way of impressive weaponry such as an ice cream truck would be so infamous as to be present in every single Twisted Metal game.

The Sweet Tooth belongs to clown enthusiastic killer Needles Kane. An old-fashioned ice cream truck with lovely pink polka dots and predictably large and cumbersome, The Sweet Tooth actually possesses one of the most powerful offensive weapons in the game in the Flaming Ice Cream Cones. Fling these tiny little paradoxes at your enemies and you’re laughing.

In reality, no matter how many times you tried to set an ice cream cone on fire and crush your enemies with a sweet-treat-mobile, the results probably wouldn’t be very good.

7. Bone Wagon - Grim Fandango

10 Video Game Vehicles You'd Be Crazy To Actually Use
Lucasarts

A vehicle befitting a King of the Underworld, the Bone Wagon will instead have to make do with Manny and Glottis.

In the (under)world of Grim Fandango, reapers are ferried to and from the Land of the Living to collect souls to carry back to the Department of Death in order to process them for their journey onward to the Land of Eternal Rest. Manuel Calavera is working off a debt in penance for sins committed during his life, and works as a reaper (or travel agent). His driver is Glottis, a giant orange elemental created to drive Manny around in his hilarious Bone Wagon.

Beginning life as a simple hearse, Glottis pokes a large hole in the top and subsequently modifies the car to make it faster and faster, and more pleasantly ridiculous-looking.

It’s so ridiculous, in fact, that it manages to result in Glottis losing his job.

6. Chubby Chocobo - Final Fantasy XIV

10 Video Game Vehicles You'd Be Crazy To Actually Use
Square Enix

In the world of video games, athleticism isn’t restricted purely to the fit and healthy. Take Final Fantasy XIV’s Fat Chocobo mount, for instance. The MMORPG featured the mount exclusively as a collector’s piece from buying the special edition of A Realm Reborn.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, and yes, it is absolutely adorable, and I imagine it’s very comfortable sitting up there on its squishy fluffy back, but the world of FFXIV is absolutely enormous, and if you want to get anywhere fast, are you really going to get there on the back of a giant overweight chicken?

In actuality, the Chocobo is equipped with the one thing that will make it run as fast as you need it to - a fishing rod extended in front of its face, with a great big piece of broccoli tied on the end. Large and in charge, this gluttonous fluffball will take after the Gyashl Greens dangled out in front of it, and not even the laws of nature can slow this fat chocobo down.

Even better, dangle a slice of cake in front of it. You'll thank me.

10 Video Game Vehicles You'd Be Crazy To Actually Use
Square Enix

5. Double Decker Car - Wreckfest

10 Video Game Vehicles You'd Be Crazy To Actually Use
THQ Nordic

Spiritual successor to the FlatOut series, Wreckfest is a driving game featuring races and demolition derbies, with customisable vehicles, a career mode, and one hell of a vehicular combat system.

In such a strategic racing game, where the tiniest bit of damage to your car can cause you to spin out of control, players will need to find a balance between defense and offense in order to gain the upper hand on opponents.

Speaking of balance, that is somewhat of an issue with this particular car...

Wreckfest essentially offers you the option of driving bunk-bed on wheels - the double decker car.

Hilariously prone to toppling over when attempting the simplest of corner turns, the double decker car will be familiar to fans of the British TV show Top Gear, when presenters each drove a car stacked up on top of each other, with predictably humorous results.

4. A Whale - Tony Slopes

10 Video Game Vehicles You'd Be Crazy To Actually Use
SEEDTECH Studios Ltd

Have you ever wanted to race a crocodile down the side of a volcano?

I’m sure you have.

Just about everything that you can park your bum on and call a ‘vehicle’ in Tony Slopes is absolutely bonkers. The titular blue whale shown in the game’s marketing and logo is just the tip of the iceberg.

Put logic in the bin, and then put that bin inside another bin, and then board the bin and race it down a mountain.

Office chairs, pool rings, bath tubs, shopping trolleys, a double bass, Big Brenda the crocodile, and of course, a giant blue whale with a tail that defies physics. Those are just some of the boards available in Tony Slopes.

3. A Couch - Battlefield Hardline

10 Video Game Vehicles You'd Be Crazy To Actually Use
EA

Battlefield Hardline was a different angle for the usually military warfare-focused first person shooter series, taking players instead into a much more urban setting, with a cops and robbers feel to it. It was certainly a refreshing angle, but it was met with mixed critical response.

One game mode that can be played in competitive multiplayer is ‘Hotwire’ - in which players compete against one another in a game of capture the flag, except with vehicles. Capturing various cars and driving them at a steady enough speed without interference will award players points for their team.

One such ‘vehicle’ that can be found on the Dustbowl Map while playing Hotwire mode is called ‘The American Dream’ and yes, it’s a couch.

Hilariously abbreviated to ‘MERICA’ on the kill log, players can race around in this surprisingly agile and fabulously comfortable sofa, with up to four teammates able to scooch onto the cushions for some rather interesting road kills.

2. Yoshi - Super Mario World

10 Video Game Vehicles You'd Be Crazy To Actually Use
Nintendo

Animal rights activists would have a field day if you sat them down to play Super Mario World.

You’ve all probably heard this one a million times, but when Mario mounts his cheery green dinosaur companion in arguably the best Mario game ever made, his solution to getting Yoshi to do what he wants him to is to beat him into submission. Punching Yoshi on the back of the head makes him stick his tongue out, grabbing fruits and enemies and providing other useful services.

Cruelty aside, when standing back and assessing the situation, the strangeness of Yoshi himself is worth noting. He’s a bipedal dinosaur with a gigantic nose, that has conveniently evolved a shell on his back perfect for sitting on. Baby Yoshis mature into adult yoshis by relentlessly eating enemies, and nothing that he eats ever seems to give him indigestion.

He’s weird, and wonderful, and a design staple of gaming. Heck, he can hover by magically concentrating hard enough. You can’t not love him.

1. Balamb Garden - Final Fantasy VIII

10 Video Game Vehicles You'd Be Crazy To Actually Use
Square-Enix

To the east of the town of Balamb lies the prestigious Balamb Garden academy. Students attend the school in hopes of becoming mercenaries for hire. Magic is banned here, and other such strict rules are in place throughout the facility, including a curfew.

When Squall and his friends are frantically attempting to save Balamb Garden from a missile strike against it, they accidentally restart the ancient machinery within the school, and the entire area morphs into its mobile form.

You heard me. The entire school, and the school grounds, and gardens, turns into a giant flying airship.

It’s ludicrous, and beautiful, and completely impractical. How anyone is supposed to concentrate on learning their times tables when your entire building is soaring through the skies is beyond me.